Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Sibling Envy

Last week I drove our neighbor’s daughter home from school. She happily chatted about how her 13-year-old brother was going to watch her until her parents came home, how he would let her watch TV and he make her dinner. Clearly, she was excited to have time alone with her brother.

After I walked her to her front door and she was safely inside, I went back to our car and found a very sad JJ.

When I asked what was wrong, she said, “How come everyone but me has a brother or sister.”

This is an emotional minefield for me.

I know that feeling so well from my own childhood. I would watch Eight is Enough and the Brady Bunch and feel like I was missing out on a something amazing.

And I am sure I was but, as I grew older, I also came to understand that what I received instead--a very close relationship with my parents--also was something amazing.

I don’t think my relationship with my parents would be the same if I had siblings. Though I admit that I worry about how I, as an only child, and my husband, as an only child, will take care of our parents as they age. There is no one to share that burden or to help hash out those tough decisions. Even having a sibling to talk with about my parents' quirky, and at times, annoying behaviors would be helpful. There is no one to bounce family issues off of—-it’s just me and my husband—-and we really don’t know all the nuances of each others families the way a sibling would.

And I feel guilty about passing this burden onto JJ.

As a kid, I would ask—-at times beg—-for a brother or sister. My parents would joke that once they had me, they definitely didn’t want another, which I always took in a negative way—-that I was so difficult, they couldn’t imagine having another.

So what did I tell JJ?

That we couldn’t decide whether to have another child and that now it is too late, I am older and it wouldn’t be healthy for my body to have another child. I’m not sure how much she understood but at least I gave her a reason that clearly put the blame on me, not her.

We really were ambivalent about having another child after JJ was born, probably because deep down inside we both knew that one was enough for us.

Maybe it’s a function of being an only child myself but I have a hard time imagining dividing my time between two kids. I’m sure parents of multiple children reading this line will find it laughable but I think for some people (like me and my husband), the idea of dividing your love and attention between multiple children is difficult. I know that even with friends, I much prefer spending time with one friend than two or three. I don’t do group dynamics well—-again, probably a function of being an only child.

My husband says I should have reminded JJ that not everyone has a sibling, that on our block alone there are three only children, but I didn’t think that was what she was asking.

Other parents of only children, has this question come up? What have you told your child? Do you wish you had others or is one enough?

2 comments:

  1. I'd love to hear about your parents....you know where to find me...BFF...

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  2. This comes up again and again with my 6YO. She insists that she's the only one in her class who doesn't have siblings, and she frequently reminds us that she'd love to have a sister. My answers are that (1) Mama is too old to have another baby, (2) she gets so much attention and we can afford to do so many fun things because she is our only child, and (3) she frequently spends time with her cousins and friends but has the luxury of coming home to a peaceful house when she's tired of playing with them. I think she understands my arguments but will always crave a sibling...which is ironic because I usually craved solitude as a child with two little brothers! The grass is always greener on the other side.

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